The miracle of presence

Have you ever had that moment when you know you've been an arrogant, selfish twit? I just had that moment. God forgive me. I have gotten so much better with motherhood, but I still have what seems like too many of those selfish moments (like anyone I suppose) when I just do not want to hear that mother's hale "MMMmmooooommmm!" I just want to sit cozied up and warm in my blanket surfing the net, not attending to other people's needs! Then when I "man up" so to speak, I find out the effect my presence can have and how in the end it is for my benefit as well as for others that I attend their needs.

My poor little girl has been coughing up a lung and here I sat annoyed that she's sick and that God won't zap her healed like I asked Him to. Yet when I get up and go to sooth her and spend just a bit of time sitting with her, stroking her hair and reassuring her that she'll be alright, she falls asleep within minutes and stops coughing. It's amazing! Then I realize how much of a arrogant, selfish twit I can be. She just needed a peaceful presence, a soothing presence to help her get to sleep.

I forget that she's a lot like me, that when she gets sick and feels absolutely miserable, fear creeps up on her and then overwhelms her. Like me, she fears that this sickness might be worse than it is. It's sadly annoying to see my weakness (or what I consider my weakness) so clearly transferred to onto her.

It's incredible how much your kids can mirror you as a parent. I see so much of me in her and I like it, and yet I am scared for her. All those things I wished I wasn't...

I wished I wasn't so affected by others opinion of me,
I wished I wasn't a picker (my face wishes this as well),
I wished I wasn't so easily distracted,
I wished I didn't get frustrated so easily,
I wished I didn't give up so easily,
I wished, I wished, I wished...

Some of these things I know how to curb, but some of them I have yet to conquer myself. How in the world do I help her conquer something I haven't even mastered?? Then there are the deeper fears that I keep shoved way down deep...what if she struggles with the same temptations I do? This is when I must force myself to hand that whole bit over COMPLETELY to God.

On the other hand, there are some things that are all me that I love to see in her, like her inability to lie effectively, and the way she pretty much tells on herself if she steps out of line with a well known rule. This is hilarious and joyous fun to see. It gives me hope for her teen years. Though it is unbelievably irritating at the time, she also refuses to give in on certain things, which will be beneficial later. This is a joint effort in the gene pool. Both Mitch and I have many things in which we cannot be moved. For me, it is my faith - though it is certainly shaken, it is not moved. For Mitch, in my observation, it is a code of ethics and values that will not move. I respect him for this and I think he respects me for mine. Once I get past the irritation of the inability to control my daughter's opinion, I will respect Tryniti for hers too. :)

Anyway, the thought for today (and once again I am preaching to myself here)...

Quit being so dang selfish and find out what God is trying to show you about yourself. I found out once again that my presence, my mere presence can make a huge difference and I am in awe that God would use me in such a simple and profound way.

Much love,

Adrielle

Merry Christmas

Hello Everyone,
I just wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas! I hope it is filled with love, peace, joy and thanksgiving. May you be blessed beyond measure and filled with the Spirit of God, and overflow it on to everyone you meet. Blessings!!

Adrielle

Season of Questioning

Have you ever been mad at God? I didn't really realize that I was mad at Him until yesterday at church. Yesterday at church our Pastor was talking about how when he asked God what He (God) had called him to be, Mike (our pastor) got mad at God for His answer. Mike didn't want to be a pastor - for several very good reasons. Yet God had indeed called him to be a pastor and would not change His mind no matter how Mike argued with Him.

I think I am (and have been) going through a time of re-learning who God is. That said, have you ever thought you knew someone and found out that you were wrong about several things? It's disappointing, makes you (me) disenchanted and maybe a little bitter too. Another example is like when you have been doing your job well (or so you thought) and then found out that you were doing it all wrong the whole time!

I don't mind learning new things, in fact I love learning new things. But I hate starting over. I know that this is not in fact what is happening, yet this is how it feels to me. It feels like I never knew anything at all and that I'm going to have to take this course all over because all the rules have changed...oh... but no, there aren't really rules per say... at least not like you know a rule... It's hard to explain. I am simply confused now and overwhelmed.

The character of God I thought I knew seems so different from what I seem to be experiencing this year in particular. I feel like everything has been drained so that there is nothing left of comfort except (praise God) relationships. I have never known any part of my relationship with God to be draining. It has always lifted me up, encouraged me, and given me strength. I never really questioned much before this year. I simply took things as they came and accepted them and adapted to them. This year though, I feel as though my trials are... well... to be perfectly honest... not acceptable. They cannot be shrugged away or assimilated into daily life and simply accepted. I cannot believe that I need to go completely to the very end of my wits, a fight to the death, in order to somehow appease God. Yet this is where I am finding myself, not dead, but very near to the end of my wits.

I have so many questions and yet I am afraid to ask, fearing that I will get an unreliable answer. Though my head tells me that fear is not of God, I feel the fear anyway. I am relearning how to give Him my worries and fears, but leaving it with Him is a huge challenge. I know I am not doing a very good job of holding onto them, but how can I be sure He won't just forget about them, about me? I can't. And so I dance the dance of giving it to Him and taking it back, giving it to Him and taking it back.

When will I know God's voice again? When will He speak again? When can I trust again, and what exactly broke that trust to begin with? When I was younger, all I ever wanted was to be a singer. I wanted it SO bad, yet other than a decent vocal ability I didn't have the resources or the drive to accomplish this dream. Then when I asked God what He had called me to be, He gave me another impossible dream, one that I was ok with, but that didn't exactly thrill me like a singing career did. Once again I have the decent work ethic and am in the "right" place, but no drive or resources (to my knowledge) to get there. I have no clue what to do or how to get there and why in the world He'd want my mouth to be in such a public arena is beyond me. I'm not exactly a stellar example of a tight lipped christian. Anyway, I think this is why I'm mad. I'm mad because I can't accomplish yet another pipe dream and last time I waited on fulfillment of a pipe dream, well, it just didn't happen. I'm just waiting for someone else to tell me I was wrong about this latest one too.


These days the only thing I don't question is "Does God love me?". At least if I don't know anything else, I do know that God loves me. I may not understand what has happened this year or why, I may not understand why I heard the things I thought I heard, but I do know to the very best of my ability and capability, that God DOES love me. At least for the moment, this knowledge is enough. This song perfectly captures this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dgrigf-Ca48&feature=related

After Pastor Mike finally gave in (for lack of better phrasing) and allowed God to work that calling out, Mike did see amazing things in his life that God brought about. He is a great Pastor despite all his misgivings and breaks the stereotype of pastors and churches left and right. He inspires and leads with passion and joy... I hope to one day be able to do the same. Well, till next time... :)

Dear Body

Dear Body of Mine,

I know you've had a lot of stress to deal with lately, but since I continue to eat well and treat you well enough - better than many other people treat themselves - please stop breaking out and stopping production on the inside. Just because I am a bit stressed out does not mean that you should be too. Brain, you must pull yourself together so that I can remember things better and stop running all night long with useless chatter. Belly, for the love of God, work the stuff through like you always would and stop swelling and complaining! Skin, winter is here so start producing extra moisture and whatever else you need to stop breaking out. If you stop breaking out, I can then stop picking at you. Low back and Sciatica, I apologize for not taking better care of you, please bear with me, I hope to be gaining more rest soon and therefore more energy for exercise... and if I don't get that rest and energy, I promise to force myself to exercise even when I don't feel like it so as to prevent further problems. Lastly, Spirit of God inside of me, if you could speak up just a bit, that would be great. Thank you all for your cooperation and help in this matter.

Sincerely,

Adrielle

"Reflect Onward"
By: Adrielle R. Bollin

Looking back
On all we've been through
I can see
How you were hurting too
Everything
Wasn't what you thought it'd be
Still you find
That life is worth living

Chorus:
All the days that were before
All the days yet still to come
They are the lessons that we learn
They are the times we overcome
We're always learning from each mistake
And find rejoicing in the pain
We are survivors in the this world
Trying to stake our claim

As I look
At the path we've walked so far
It's easy now
To see the twists and turns and falls
You held my hand
No you never did let go
You're still here
We are closer than you know

Bridge:
On we go, we'll blaze the trails unknown
Following our leader till we're home

Autumn's Glory

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=708448&id=1396443126

Weapon of Mass Destruction (W.O.M.D.)

Back in the day (a few years ago) when I was going to church every Sunday, involving myself in the church activities, etc., I remember a play that was put on. In that play a scripture was recited as a part of the script. I remember that the director mentioned how "so true" that verse was and how she hoped it would hit some folks between the eyes (so to speak), bring some conviction. Now don't get me wrong, I am not trying to criticize the director, because if I did, I would have to turn that gun on myself as well, at least a hundred times! I'm simply relaying a memory that brought this posting into being.

Anyway, I began thinking about all the times I had quoted the scripture in an effort to either defend someone or even try to convict someone that I felt was in the wrong. Never mind prayer and asking for good timing for confrontation... I knew I was right and my pride and arrogance wanted everyone to know it!

In the right timing, when God tells us to speak a word, it is a healing conviction that comes. Outside of His perfect timing, it becomes more like a weapon that brings condemnation. When God's word is used as a weapon, it is extremely damaging. Just think about all the times you've heard of people who said the bible was crammed down their throat, how they were told over and over again that they were going to hell if... that God would punish them if... Now think about where many of those people are now! Many who I've known with this unfortunate "testimony" are far from God and want nothing to do with Him. I can't say that I blame them! One of the greatest gifts God gave us aside from His Son, was used as a weapon against them in an attempt to force submission! Like the victims of alcoholics who detest the smell of alcohol, so the victims of religious dictators detest the smell of religion's stench. Even the slightest scent can put them at odds with you.

Of course God in His wisdom woos many back with His agape love and tenderness, but much healing must take place because of the wounds of religion.

As I said earlier, I am not innocent of this crime. I have in the past (and probably in the present from time to time) wanted to use the bible as a weapon. I have admittedly spoken to others about how the word says this so therefore, this person is in the wrong! Even if the person is in the wrong, it was and is not my place to use the bible in such a way.

The bible says "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12 This means that when we are wronged, we must not use the bible as a weapon on our own human race, but instead as the bible tells us, against spiritual forces.

Now I know I have lost some of you due to the whole spiritual forces thing, but bear with me. Most people recognize that there does seem to be other forces at work in people sometimes. Even such simple things as life experiences that cause people to react certain ways. So in a sense, you're not dealing with the person directly but with their reactions due to past hurts or wounds that have not healed. Therefore we should always pray for healing for these wounds and even the memories associated with them.

It is my belief that when these wounds are allowed to fester over time, it acts like a poison that slowly spreads through the body, driving some people slowly insane and some physically sick. Still others hide it well until it cannot be contained anymore and explodes all over those who happen to be near by. This is what my mentors and I like to call "getting slimed". When you are unlucky enough to be in close proximity of one of these explosions when they happen, you tend to get slimed. You either get hurt or offended or even severely wounded because of the hurtful things that are lashed out uncontrollably. And so the cycle (if not immediately dealt with) continues around and around. Therefore, again, pray for your enemy even when you'd rather deck them or kill them.

But getting back to the W.O.M.D., the bible was meant to be used as a weapon only against spiritual forces, not flesh and blood humans. Though we as Christians need to correct those who err, we must pray for timing and for God's words instead of our own so that the erring person is actually corrected and not cut down and destroyed.

Think about all of the wisdom in the world. Yet nations go to war because of that wisdom when it is used as a weapon against humans, next thing you know, you have kings and popes and leaders going to war believing God is on their side or a cult who's leader is reeling with a pain they cannot deal with so they abuse their flock and lead them astray even to their deaths.

How many millions of people have died because of the christian religion? Some prime examples are:

The Albigensian Crusade: an estimated 200,000 to 1,000,000 people were massacred during the crusade with a brutality that was extreme even for the medieval period and which was initiated by pope Innocent III of the Catholic church. (Wikipedia)

The Northern Crusades: this was an effort to eliminate all pagan religions and peoples in Northern Europe. The official starting point for the Northern Crusades was Pope Celestine III's call in 1193; but the already Christian kingdoms of Scandinavia and the Holy Roman Empire had started to move to subjugate their pagan neighbors even earlier. (Wikipedia)

St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre and after: an estimated 10,000 Calvinists were murdered and their houses looted by catholic mobs (Wikipedia)

Of course our Christian faith has also been persecuted for centuries as well and continues to this day along with many other religions. Christianity has countless deaths each year even now in the present due to persecution.

Over and over people have used their God and gods as the reason for their madness, as the cause for their wars and the grounds for their persecution of so-called unequal parties. Our desire to have it all and to make everyone submit to our ideas and beliefs has led to war and suffering and pain. While I am not wholly opposed to war, it seems to me that war born out of religion tends to be the worst and most brutal because it is made personal. I have no issue against nations who've been attacked defending themselves and I have no issue against nations who are helping to spread or maintain freedom, but I do have a problem with the church going to war against flesh and blood of any kind.

Jesus never killed anyone in an effort to bring them to His understanding. He waited on God's word and timing and listened for God's direction. He talked to God and listened for response.

I have wanted so many times to use the bible to prove I am right, or to prove someone wrong. I wanted the vengeance it spoke of, but on my terms. Praise God for teaching me to be tight lipped when my flesh was on fire with desire for these fighting words and may He forgive me (as I know He already has) for the times I refused to wait and caused pain and unnecessary suffering in "his name".

We as a church must lay down our physical weapons and pick up the weapon and armor of God which includes the Sword of the Spirit. Instead of doing the devil's work of annihilating people with our words and our "holy" wars, we must refocus our aim into the realm of the spiritual evils. We must pray for healing for our human enemies and hold our tongues when the enemy attacks us in human form. We need to be constantly listening to God and His perspective so that we can react with the grace that will amaze and bring healing to a hurting people. Like the saying goes "you get more bees with honey than vinegar". While this seems like such a weak way to live, you will actually find strength and better results. Like the word says, the way is narrow and so it is. But if we keep our focus on God, it will be much more satisfying than we could ever imagine. It is easy to respond in violence (believe me I would SO MUCH RATHER respond this way 9 times out of 10), but it takes much strength and incredible will power to use wisdom and respond God's way instead.

Blessings and Strength to you All,

Adrielle Bollin

"He found His rest in saving you, in loving you." Joseph Prince

Oh my dear

Forgive me for not writing recently. Life has been very busy and I think I am fighting off the flu or something. So, to hold you over, here is a song I wrote about my husband not too long ago.

Oh My Dear
By Adrielle Bollin

With your few imperfections
I can't help my affections
I am smitten by you
Oh yes you're so dang cute

And when you turn to me
I tell you all that I see
Are those two oceans of blue
Enchanting all that you do

Chorus:
Oh my dear
How we've loved through these years
We have gone through times
Times of trials and tears
But still hear we are
We have come so far
You're still loving me
I'm still loving you

Sometimes it's like we just met
They way you flirt and caress
me You know just what to do
To get me churning for you

You love me just how I like
And when the day turns to night
I'm wanting only to be with you
Oh darling how I love you

Bridge:
You know we've been through
The good times and bad
But in the end you know
I love you happy or sad
The vows we made are more
Than castles of sand
Oh they're top grade
I know that our love will stand

Early Autumn

Autumn colors burnt too soon
Giving hues of dark maroon
Yellows charred and orange toasted
"Winter's coming" is clearly posted

Winds are blowing leaves to flight
The air so cold brings breath to sight
All this year where has it gone
Running faster with every dawn

Here I sit in crisp morn air
Seeing stars shine bright as e'er
Steam is rising from a lake of glass
Waters cooling to night time blast

All is calm no noise is heard
The earth asleep and undisturbed
Birds soon sing their morning tune
Softly waking the sun and moon

The moon will go to distant land
As rays of sun caress the sand
Day has come and nighttime gone
Time to wake and meet the dawn

Creativity

We've all known people who were and are hurting and struggling but are unwilling to talk about it, preferring to keep the source of the pain private. We wonder what to do and how we can help. We pray for them as best we know how and hope that our prayers are useful and beneficial. Still though, we want to talk with them and see how they are doing, what they are thinking and how we can help them more specifically.

I am experiencing this at present. I want so bad to hug this person and let them know that I am here and that I am behind them no matter what. It's hard when people refuse your direct help. Yet these are the times we must be more dependent on God. These situations force us to rely on Him to a) listen to our prayers, b) answer them, and c) to know what they actually need and perhaps impart that information to us through revelation or random thought. This is hard because we all want to see results and progress. We want to send up our requests and get a "yes I will" or a "no I won't/can't". Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Yet if we are patient, we do hear of progress, though not always. If we are patient, we will finally hear how God worked in their life at that trying time. Still though, not always.

We've been falsely taught for a long time that if we do this, then this will happen. This simply is not the case! I wish it were, but as I mentioned earlier, God likes (or perhaps needs) to change the way He does things on a regular and often basis. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, but He is eternally creative too.

Creativity is defined as "the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.". So though his character is the same, his character is creative, thus allowing the constant change in how He works. Yet still sometimes He will seem to repeat Himself too.

He breaks down these false teachings and rules by amazing us by doing things in ways we never would have imagined. Hence His word that says "My ways are high above your ways, my thoughts above your thoughts." And they should be, He is God after all is He not? I would hope that the God I serve was not only smarter and more creative, but also knows the entire picture that we cannot see.

Still, we humans are incredibly impatient and want more than anything sometimes (or always, depending on your personality type and life story) to be in control. We want to know our destiny.

Sometimes God will even let us glimpse that destiny, and I think God would even like for us to see what is planned for us. I have even glimpsed my own, but like many, I am not entirely sure I believe it most of the time. I think this is probably why most of us do not glimpse our future, because God knows we probably won't believe it.

I can't remember where this story is in the bible, but a prophet was arguing with God saying "Tell me what will happen" and God was saying "You wouldn't believe me if I told you" and the prophet says "Yes I will, please tell me!" and when God relents and tells him, he says "I don't believe it!". All that is paraphrased of course. I can't even fathom how often that must happen, lol. x-D

I imagine God gets a real kick out of us sometimes...and yet how saddening that would be as well. I know how frustrating it can be to simply tell someone how beautiful they are and they cannot believe me. Yet I see it as plain as day! Imagine now how frustrating it would be for the One who knows and sees all to tell someone they are a king, yet they continue to live as a slave.

So before this gets even longer, let me leave you with this thought that even I must soak in... What if God doesn't lie?

In the dark cloud

In the dark Cloud
By Adrielle R. Bollin

I still refuse
To believe the worst
I still hold on
To your hope and word

Cause I don't want
To be like the rest
Giving up hope
And failing the test

I don't like
To think this is from you
But I can't help
But feel you're in this too

Cause you have said
That you would never leave
And in your truth
There I'll be set free

So I will stay
Here waiting again
Wrestle not
With the how and the when

Trust in you
Though I don't understand
Wait this out
As you hold my hand

Cause you're here
Ever with me
I will make it
And make it safely

You love me
This one thing I know
In your hands
I let my sorrows go

Dancing with you
My focus will be
So life can be vibrant
For everyone to see

Let Me

Let Me

With the best of intentions
We all say I'll follow you
Then we go on our way
Trying to be and to do

Although I am just as guilty
I am seeing a new light
Shining brightly within
Calling me to new heights

You say let me be the center
Let me be near you more
Let me love in and through you
Let me dwell in your core
If you let me stay there
You'll see wonders untold
You will love with my love
Touching everyone, young and old

I have seen the way of the hurried
Running in the wilderness alone
Aching for worth and value
Longing just to be known

Grace has taught me to dance
Though the storm is raging on
Mercy is beauty in knowing
The need for control is gone

By: Adrielle R. Bollin

The wicked good storm

Well I had a great weekend which I spent with a few of my favorite people. My grandma, aunt and adopted aunt who have been mentors and counselors to me all of my life. I thought that the weekend would end without our usual deep conversations as it was turning into a movie weekend. This was just fine by me as we watched hilarious movies and just enjoyed each others company. But praise God, inevitably Sunday morning, the conversation began.

I had been struggling with feeling powerless and insignificant at work mostly, but also in other areas as well. I have done well to deal with it by immersing myself in books on CD at work so as to stay awake. For some my job would require a great deal of concentration, but for me, it is mind numbing and boring and I can hardly stay awake to do it. So to fix the near constant problem of (as I like to call it) fighting a coma, I began getting books on CD and listening to them while I work. This has worked wonderfully, however it has also helped to cease all thoughts of anything else really that I probably ought to have dealt with. Then again, I truthfully didn't want to deal with...well...anything at this period of my life. I think I had gotten so overwhelmed by all of the happenings throughout the spring and summer that I just emotionally crawled into a hole and planned to stay there until I had gotten tired of the darkness.

Darkness is an interesting thing to throw yourself into. You think that since it is your choice that you are there, that it's somehow better and less harmful. In reality, I didn't know until after I chose to crawl out how much life had been sucked out of me because of my choice. I told myself I was resting, waiting for God to do something impressive to draw me out of my sorrowful and self pitying corner. Until that impressive something happened, I told myself, I wasn't moving. My faith, though still alive, needed a big awakening and no typical awakening would suffice.

I have seen so much in the christian realm, heard so much, known so much...so much that I have become a bit jaded. Things had gone so well for me all my life, that when it finally seemed to fall apart, I could not even begin to understand. All the prayers I prayed seemed utterly useless. All of the arguing with God seemed to be with a close mouthed statue. In fact in the midst of it, it seemed to me that the more I prayed, the worse things got. This was when I gave up. I gave up whatever control I thought I had and simply decided to sit down, shut up and wait for God to fix it. I was exhausted. This was the breaking point and though the flood waters receded and peace finally returned, the "end" of that battle seemed utterly disappointing. Now that I am on the other side of it (I think), I can see clearly the good that came out of it and the grace that was provided although I cannot say that I am rejoicing yet. It's on my to-do list.

The biggest good that came out of that storm was the wonderful realization that I could love my husband, the same way I love God - I don't have to compartmentalize it or separate it. I have struggled with that concept for a long time. Through this hard time, I grew much closer to my husband. We were able to work as a team to figure stuff out and became more understanding as we communicated better and better. He became to support I needed too. As I was the one loosing it, he stayed relatively calm and even forgiving when I was having a really hard time doing so. I am the one trained to forgive and yet I was the one having trouble filling those shoe's I had worn so comfortably before. I had once again gotten to that point of "I'm sick of forgiving all the time, I want justice!", only to find that justice never came how I had originally wanted it. This of course was frustrating because it somehow showed me that God's ways made more sense than the way I wanted to do things which is not what I wanted to see or hear.

God was proving to me again and again that though I didn't understand, I was not expected to. He was showing me that He will not do things the same way every time. He was getting rid of my rules and formulas of Christianity. Since I am an oldest child of 4, I was the one who followed the rules. Breaking my system of rules and formulas... sucked. There's just no better way to put it. I like rules - not always, but they at least provide predictability and therefore some sense of security. This, I found out, is not OK. It was and is an idol. I was relying on rules and formulas to make me feel safe instead of relying on God to make me feel safe. This is another good that came out of it was the breaking down of a long standing idol in my life.

The craziest thing of all though is that even in this lowest of lows in my attitude, faith, and demeanor, God still managed to use me in wonderful ways. How he does that despite us and even somewhat unbeknown to us, is beyond me. He just does. And I am glad. So now with a renewed sense of focus, I think I can move forward. I believe I have found solid footing once again with the help of my mentors. More to come...

She said YES!!

I am soooooooo happy right now!! My youngest of three brothers announced via text message that he proposed to his girlfriend and she said yes!! I literally jumped up and down squeeling like a school girl because I absolutely LOVE this woman! She is the ultimate in sweetness and kindness. Her Facebook quote under her picture describes her PERFECTLY. It says "Arise Shine! For your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and deep darkness the people; But the Lord will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you." ~Isaiah 60:1" God's glory literally does shine upon her. She's awesome. Anyway, I'll stop gushing...but I am also so very happy for my brother too obviously! They go together so very well and I have been waiting for this day for months. Congratulations Joe and Lauren!! May God bless you both in all you do together! :)

Adrielle R. Bollin

Fine and dandy

It's not one of my smoothest writings, but I like the point behind it...

Fine and Dandy
Adrielle R. Bollin

You say that you
Are not upset
But here you are
Your face is red

You say that you
Don't care anymore
But your words
Can't hide your sores

Oh but you're, fine and dandy
You think you're, sweet as candy
You think you're, over it
But inside you are truly sick
That old seed's still brewing
Poison gives disillusions
So while you smile and pretend
I'll be prayin' for you my friend

It is plain
As day and night
All your anger
Pain and strife

You tell me
You left it behind
From where I sit
I only see denial

One day you'll see
That there's a step you forgot
In that road of healing
Somehow you got lost
You should know
I'm rootin for you
To find your way
But until you do

“That you love me”

Lyrics by Adrielle R. Bollin

I will run

Into your arms

Feel the sun

Warm my back

As I press on to the prize

Those gates will open wide

You have said

Follow me

So I said yes

You took the lead

And I’ll never return

For you my heart ever burns

Chorus:

I love that you love me

I know that in you I’m free

You have given me every good thing

So for you my heart ever sings

I had pain

That ran so deep

Till you came

And healed me

Your blood the healing balm

Now I’m resting in your arms

I had grime

That covered me

Till your love

Washed me clean

Your mercy fell like rain

I never will be the same

Bridge

When you came my heart

Didn’t know what to say

But you touched me and filled me and now

I’m blown away

The fabulous Davina and the Vagabonds

There is something about listening to the Blues that brings a huge smile to my face. The fun beat, the freedom with which they play and then the expressions on their faces as they play make it the most enjoyable concert I can think of to watch. I think that since my mom was involved in theater from the time I was very young, I developed a huge appreciation for facial expressions and the energy of stage presence. Folks who play Blues or Jazz are by far the most interesting and enjoyable subjects to watch. Their faces contort and smile and frown to match the lyrics and the highs and lows of the tempos and pitch. Their bodies too contort and seem to interpret for the audience the lyrics and notes as they are not immune to the expression that flows through the music either.

I went to see Davina and the Vagabonds on Friday night at the Dakota Jazz Club in Minneapolis and what an immense pleasure that was! Each band member was unique in their expressions which I am going to describe as best I can.

The least expressive was the drummer, Dan Olson. I don't think his face made so much as a twitch most of the entire set except for the occasional smile as if he was remembering that perhaps the crowd would like to see one. Since I am (as my husband will attest) quite easily amused, I found this in itself to be kind of funny.

The stand up bass player Michael Carvale had slicked back black (or dark brown) hair and reminded me of a character in an old mobster type movie. His face was serene looking, smiling most of the time as if he could not imagine a better thing in the world to be doing than plucking away at the massive strings. When he sang he did it so naturally and easily that he had the suave on stage confidence of Frank Sinatra.

Scott Agster played trombone. He had a mischievous presence and quite obviously had a ball playing to the crowd. His hips swayed side to side with the beat like he had an invisible dance partner. His solo's were so fun and creative. His vocals, like his instrument teased the crowd like he wrote the song's story himself. He always had a slight smirk on his face like he knew something we didn't and couldn't wait to tell us.

Zack Lozier played trumpet and was slightly less expressive but no less talented. His solos were also incredibly fun and creative. His presence and character seemed very matter of fact and sang his solos flawlessly in this manner. Although you could tell he enjoyed himself, it was not as obvious as the trombone player next to him.

Last but not least, Davina Sowers played piano and headed the vocals. She was by far the most interesting and fun band member to watch. Whether she sang and played or just played piano, her feet never stopped moving, stomping with the beat in her black high heels. I think the music literally took over her body as she played. I could not look at her without feeling an incredible urge to dance in my seat as she did when she played. Her facial expressions were absolutely priceless and showed all the emotion one would be feeling as they wrote the song or went through the situation. Her stage presence was downright delightfully theatrical. Her throaty vocals were like that of Billie Holiday that made you feel every word she sang. Davina personally involved herself in every song and lived and felt the lyrics as she belted them out in perfect pitch and rhythm.

The whole ensemble played their parts perfectly and improvised beautifully. I can only imagine how much fun it would be to be onstage with them. However, having a small amount of stage experience myself, I also know that they must seriously work their tails off in practice to be so tight and in sync with each other.

I'll definitely make it a point to see them all in concert again only next time I think I'll make sure there is a dance floor so I won't have to restrain the music inspired urges to get up and dance. :)

Till next time...

Adrielle

"Cut Me Free" by: Adrielle Bollin

"Cut Me Free"
By Adrielle R. Bollin

Take off these fetters
Remove all these chains
Help me to see them
How they cause me such pain

I want to see
Will you open my eyes
Take off the blinders
So I see past disguise

I'm feeling buried
I'm feeling trapped

Cut me free
Let expectations fall flat
Help me to know
That you love me more than all of that
I need to see
Your loving arms all around me
I need to hear peace be still
Cut me free

I thought I was winning
That I could handle it all
I got wrapped up in doing
That I lost sight of you
I got myself good and busy
I got lost in it all
Now I don't know where I'm going
And I'm scared of it all

You know me so well
You know right were I am
Every step I take wrong
Will be used in the end
Now I'm waiting for you to come in
Won't you save me again

"Frustration" By: Adrielle Bollin

Frustration

By: Adrielle R Bollin

Fools fools everywhere fools
The kind that breeds hatred in hearts
The sort that cause curses to be spewed
The ones who are blind as worms

Yet every day I am called to forgive them
Every day conscience beats a peace song
The bridle on my tongue is worn smooth as silk
My will is battered and beaten as I hold back wrong

The words my soul wants to lash out
Are like fiery pins piercing my chest
Oceans of frustration are waiting to burst
While my spirit wages war on my flesh

Why the greedy grasping possessing
What is so important about this piece of earth
Who has killed your joy and your grace
What has possessed your life soul and worth

I have made myself teachable and aware
Educated, Tolerated, and kept the peace
So why must I suffer your stupidity
Why must I grant your mind peace

Because I am aware and learned
I know that I am not faultless
I understand that I have failed
So I know forgiveness and grace

I have been forgiven of much
Therefore fools I must forgive you
Though everything in me wants to slay you
I will let it all go and let God have you

Though I will imagine His wrath
I know He'll humble you instead
Though I secretly hope for your shame
I know He'll heal your foolish heart and head

Stupidity begins most feuds
So I'll not to stoop to your height
Instead I'll walk the high road
That is hard to travel I'll travel light

Though I am still flickering with anger
It will soon subside
Because in the end I know and trust
That God is by my side

Adrielle R. Bollin