Monday, December 14, 2009

Season of Questioning

Have you ever been mad at God? I didn't really realize that I was mad at Him until yesterday at church. Yesterday at church our Pastor was talking about how when he asked God what He (God) had called him to be, Mike (our pastor) got mad at God for His answer. Mike didn't want to be a pastor - for several very good reasons. Yet God had indeed called him to be a pastor and would not change His mind no matter how Mike argued with Him.

I think I am (and have been) going through a time of re-learning who God is. That said, have you ever thought you knew someone and found out that you were wrong about several things? It's disappointing, makes you (me) disenchanted and maybe a little bitter too. Another example is like when you have been doing your job well (or so you thought) and then found out that you were doing it all wrong the whole time!

I don't mind learning new things, in fact I love learning new things. But I hate starting over. I know that this is not in fact what is happening, yet this is how it feels to me. It feels like I never knew anything at all and that I'm going to have to take this course all over because all the rules have changed...oh... but no, there aren't really rules per say... at least not like you know a rule... It's hard to explain. I am simply confused now and overwhelmed.

The character of God I thought I knew seems so different from what I seem to be experiencing this year in particular. I feel like everything has been drained so that there is nothing left of comfort except (praise God) relationships. I have never known any part of my relationship with God to be draining. It has always lifted me up, encouraged me, and given me strength. I never really questioned much before this year. I simply took things as they came and accepted them and adapted to them. This year though, I feel as though my trials are... well... to be perfectly honest... not acceptable. They cannot be shrugged away or assimilated into daily life and simply accepted. I cannot believe that I need to go completely to the very end of my wits, a fight to the death, in order to somehow appease God. Yet this is where I am finding myself, not dead, but very near to the end of my wits.

I have so many questions and yet I am afraid to ask, fearing that I will get an unreliable answer. Though my head tells me that fear is not of God, I feel the fear anyway. I am relearning how to give Him my worries and fears, but leaving it with Him is a huge challenge. I know I am not doing a very good job of holding onto them, but how can I be sure He won't just forget about them, about me? I can't. And so I dance the dance of giving it to Him and taking it back, giving it to Him and taking it back.

When will I know God's voice again? When will He speak again? When can I trust again, and what exactly broke that trust to begin with? When I was younger, all I ever wanted was to be a singer. I wanted it SO bad, yet other than a decent vocal ability I didn't have the resources or the drive to accomplish this dream. Then when I asked God what He had called me to be, He gave me another impossible dream, one that I was ok with, but that didn't exactly thrill me like a singing career did. Once again I have the decent work ethic and am in the "right" place, but no drive or resources (to my knowledge) to get there. I have no clue what to do or how to get there and why in the world He'd want my mouth to be in such a public arena is beyond me. I'm not exactly a stellar example of a tight lipped christian. Anyway, I think this is why I'm mad. I'm mad because I can't accomplish yet another pipe dream and last time I waited on fulfillment of a pipe dream, well, it just didn't happen. I'm just waiting for someone else to tell me I was wrong about this latest one too.

These days the only thing I don't question is "Does God love me?". At least if I don't know anything else, I do know that God loves me. I may not understand what has happened this year or why, I may not understand why I heard the things I thought I heard, but I do know to the very best of my ability and capability, that God DOES love me. At least for the moment, this knowledge is enough. This song perfectly captures this.

After Pastor Mike finally gave in (for lack of better phrasing) and allowed God to work that calling out, Mike did see amazing things in his life that God brought about. He is a great Pastor despite all his misgivings and breaks the stereotype of pastors and churches left and right. He inspires and leads with passion and joy... I hope to one day be able to do the same. Well, till next time... :)

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