Monday, December 28, 2009
The miracle of presence
Have you ever had that moment when you know you've been an arrogant, selfish twit? I just had that moment. God forgive me. I have gotten so much better with motherhood, but I still have what seems like too many of those selfish moments (like anyone I suppose) when I just do not want to hear that mother's hale "MMMmmooooommmm!" I just want to sit cozied up and warm in my blanket surfing the net, not attending to other people's needs! Then when I "man up" so to speak, I find out the effect my presence can have and how in the end it is for my benefit as well as for others that I attend their needs.
My poor little girl has been coughing up a lung and here I sat annoyed that she's sick and that God won't zap her healed like I asked Him to. Yet when I get up and go to sooth her and spend just a bit of time sitting with her, stroking her hair and reassuring her that she'll be alright, she falls asleep within minutes and stops coughing. It's amazing! Then I realize how much of a arrogant, selfish twit I can be. She just needed a peaceful presence, a soothing presence to help her get to sleep.
I forget that she's a lot like me, that when she gets sick and feels absolutely miserable, fear creeps up on her and then overwhelms her. Like me, she fears that this sickness might be worse than it is. It's sadly annoying to see my weakness (or what I consider my weakness) so clearly transferred to onto her.
It's incredible how much your kids can mirror you as a parent. I see so much of me in her and I like it, and yet I am scared for her. All those things I wished I wasn't...
I wished I wasn't so affected by others opinion of me,
I wished I wasn't a picker (my face wishes this as well),
I wished I wasn't so easily distracted,
I wished I didn't get frustrated so easily,
I wished I didn't give up so easily,
I wished, I wished, I wished...
Some of these things I know how to curb, but some of them I have yet to conquer myself. How in the world do I help her conquer something I haven't even mastered?? Then there are the deeper fears that I keep shoved way down deep...what if she struggles with the same temptations I do? This is when I must force myself to hand that whole bit over COMPLETELY to God.
On the other hand, there are some things that are all me that I love to see in her, like her inability to lie effectively, and the way she pretty much tells on herself if she steps out of line with a well known rule. This is hilarious and joyous fun to see. It gives me hope for her teen years. Though it is unbelievably irritating at the time, she also refuses to give in on certain things, which will be beneficial later. This is a joint effort in the gene pool. Both Mitch and I have many things in which we cannot be moved. For me, it is my faith - though it is certainly shaken, it is not moved. For Mitch, in my observation, it is a code of ethics and values that will not move. I respect him for this and I think he respects me for mine. Once I get past the irritation of the inability to control my daughter's opinion, I will respect Tryniti for hers too. :)
Anyway, the thought for today (and once again I am preaching to myself here)...
Quit being so dang selfish and find out what God is trying to show you about yourself. I found out once again that my presence, my mere presence can make a huge difference and I am in awe that God would use me in such a simple and profound way.