Well I had a great weekend which I spent with a few of my favorite people. My grandma, aunt and adopted aunt who have been mentors and counselors to me all of my life. I thought that the weekend would end without our usual deep conversations as it was turning into a movie weekend. This was just fine by me as we watched hilarious movies and just enjoyed each others company. But praise God, inevitably Sunday morning, the conversation began.
I had been struggling with feeling powerless and insignificant at work mostly, but also in other areas as well. I have done well to deal with it by immersing myself in books on CD at work so as to stay awake. For some my job would require a great deal of concentration, but for me, it is mind numbing and boring and I can hardly stay awake to do it. So to fix the near constant problem of (as I like to call it) fighting a coma, I began getting books on CD and listening to them while I work. This has worked wonderfully, however it has also helped to cease all thoughts of anything else really that I probably ought to have dealt with. Then again, I truthfully didn't want to deal with...well...anything at this period of my life. I think I had gotten so overwhelmed by all of the happenings throughout the spring and summer that I just emotionally crawled into a hole and planned to stay there until I had gotten tired of the darkness.
Darkness is an interesting thing to throw yourself into. You think that since it is your choice that you are there, that it's somehow better and less harmful. In reality, I didn't know until after I chose to crawl out how much life had been sucked out of me because of my choice. I told myself I was resting, waiting for God to do something impressive to draw me out of my sorrowful and self pitying corner. Until that impressive something happened, I told myself, I wasn't moving. My faith, though still alive, needed a big awakening and no typical awakening would suffice.
I have seen so much in the christian realm, heard so much, known so much...so much that I have become a bit jaded. Things had gone so well for me all my life, that when it finally seemed to fall apart, I could not even begin to understand. All the prayers I prayed seemed utterly useless. All of the arguing with God seemed to be with a close mouthed statue. In fact in the midst of it, it seemed to me that the more I prayed, the worse things got. This was when I gave up. I gave up whatever control I thought I had and simply decided to sit down, shut up and wait for God to fix it. I was exhausted. This was the breaking point and though the flood waters receded and peace finally returned, the "end" of that battle seemed utterly disappointing. Now that I am on the other side of it (I think), I can see clearly the good that came out of it and the grace that was provided although I cannot say that I am rejoicing yet. It's on my to-do list.
The biggest good that came out of that storm was the wonderful realization that I could love my husband, the same way I love God - I don't have to compartmentalize it or separate it. I have struggled with that concept for a long time. Through this hard time, I grew much closer to my husband. We were able to work as a team to figure stuff out and became more understanding as we communicated better and better. He became to support I needed too. As I was the one loosing it, he stayed relatively calm and even forgiving when I was having a really hard time doing so. I am the one trained to forgive and yet I was the one having trouble filling those shoe's I had worn so comfortably before. I had once again gotten to that point of "I'm sick of forgiving all the time, I want justice!", only to find that justice never came how I had originally wanted it. This of course was frustrating because it somehow showed me that God's ways made more sense than the way I wanted to do things which is not what I wanted to see or hear.
God was proving to me again and again that though I didn't understand, I was not expected to. He was showing me that He will not do things the same way every time. He was getting rid of my rules and formulas of Christianity. Since I am an oldest child of 4, I was the one who followed the rules. Breaking my system of rules and formulas... sucked. There's just no better way to put it. I like rules - not always, but they at least provide predictability and therefore some sense of security. This, I found out, is not OK. It was and is an idol. I was relying on rules and formulas to make me feel safe instead of relying on God to make me feel safe. This is another good that came out of it was the breaking down of a long standing idol in my life.
The craziest thing of all though is that even in this lowest of lows in my attitude, faith, and demeanor, God still managed to use me in wonderful ways. How he does that despite us and even somewhat unbeknown to us, is beyond me. He just does. And I am glad. So now with a renewed sense of focus, I think I can move forward. I believe I have found solid footing once again with the help of my mentors. More to come...