Monday, December 28, 2009

The miracle of presence

Have you ever had that moment when you know you've been an arrogant, selfish twit? I just had that moment. God forgive me. I have gotten so much better with motherhood, but I still have what seems like too many of those selfish moments (like anyone I suppose) when I just do not want to hear that mother's hale "MMMmmooooommmm!" I just want to sit cozied up and warm in my blanket surfing the net, not attending to other people's needs! Then when I "man up" so to speak, I find out the effect my presence can have and how in the end it is for my benefit as well as for others that I attend their needs.

My poor little girl has been coughing up a lung and here I sat annoyed that she's sick and that God won't zap her healed like I asked Him to. Yet when I get up and go to sooth her and spend just a bit of time sitting with her, stroking her hair and reassuring her that she'll be alright, she falls asleep within minutes and stops coughing. It's amazing! Then I realize how much of a arrogant, selfish twit I can be. She just needed a peaceful presence, a soothing presence to help her get to sleep.

I forget that she's a lot like me, that when she gets sick and feels absolutely miserable, fear creeps up on her and then overwhelms her. Like me, she fears that this sickness might be worse than it is. It's sadly annoying to see my weakness (or what I consider my weakness) so clearly transferred to onto her.

It's incredible how much your kids can mirror you as a parent. I see so much of me in her and I like it, and yet I am scared for her. All those things I wished I wasn't...

I wished I wasn't so affected by others opinion of me,
I wished I wasn't a picker (my face wishes this as well),
I wished I wasn't so easily distracted,
I wished I didn't get frustrated so easily,
I wished I didn't give up so easily,
I wished, I wished, I wished...

Some of these things I know how to curb, but some of them I have yet to conquer myself. How in the world do I help her conquer something I haven't even mastered?? Then there are the deeper fears that I keep shoved way down deep...what if she struggles with the same temptations I do? This is when I must force myself to hand that whole bit over COMPLETELY to God.

On the other hand, there are some things that are all me that I love to see in her, like her inability to lie effectively, and the way she pretty much tells on herself if she steps out of line with a well known rule. This is hilarious and joyous fun to see. It gives me hope for her teen years. Though it is unbelievably irritating at the time, she also refuses to give in on certain things, which will be beneficial later. This is a joint effort in the gene pool. Both Mitch and I have many things in which we cannot be moved. For me, it is my faith - though it is certainly shaken, it is not moved. For Mitch, in my observation, it is a code of ethics and values that will not move. I respect him for this and I think he respects me for mine. Once I get past the irritation of the inability to control my daughter's opinion, I will respect Tryniti for hers too. :)

Anyway, the thought for today (and once again I am preaching to myself here)...

Quit being so dang selfish and find out what God is trying to show you about yourself. I found out once again that my presence, my mere presence can make a huge difference and I am in awe that God would use me in such a simple and profound way.

Much love,


Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas

Hello Everyone,
I just wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas! I hope it is filled with love, peace, joy and thanksgiving. May you be blessed beyond measure and filled with the Spirit of God, and overflow it on to everyone you meet. Blessings!!


Monday, December 14, 2009

Season of Questioning

Have you ever been mad at God? I didn't really realize that I was mad at Him until yesterday at church. Yesterday at church our Pastor was talking about how when he asked God what He (God) had called him to be, Mike (our pastor) got mad at God for His answer. Mike didn't want to be a pastor - for several very good reasons. Yet God had indeed called him to be a pastor and would not change His mind no matter how Mike argued with Him.

I think I am (and have been) going through a time of re-learning who God is. That said, have you ever thought you knew someone and found out that you were wrong about several things? It's disappointing, makes you (me) disenchanted and maybe a little bitter too. Another example is like when you have been doing your job well (or so you thought) and then found out that you were doing it all wrong the whole time!

I don't mind learning new things, in fact I love learning new things. But I hate starting over. I know that this is not in fact what is happening, yet this is how it feels to me. It feels like I never knew anything at all and that I'm going to have to take this course all over because all the rules have changed...oh... but no, there aren't really rules per say... at least not like you know a rule... It's hard to explain. I am simply confused now and overwhelmed.

The character of God I thought I knew seems so different from what I seem to be experiencing this year in particular. I feel like everything has been drained so that there is nothing left of comfort except (praise God) relationships. I have never known any part of my relationship with God to be draining. It has always lifted me up, encouraged me, and given me strength. I never really questioned much before this year. I simply took things as they came and accepted them and adapted to them. This year though, I feel as though my trials are... well... to be perfectly honest... not acceptable. They cannot be shrugged away or assimilated into daily life and simply accepted. I cannot believe that I need to go completely to the very end of my wits, a fight to the death, in order to somehow appease God. Yet this is where I am finding myself, not dead, but very near to the end of my wits.

I have so many questions and yet I am afraid to ask, fearing that I will get an unreliable answer. Though my head tells me that fear is not of God, I feel the fear anyway. I am relearning how to give Him my worries and fears, but leaving it with Him is a huge challenge. I know I am not doing a very good job of holding onto them, but how can I be sure He won't just forget about them, about me? I can't. And so I dance the dance of giving it to Him and taking it back, giving it to Him and taking it back.

When will I know God's voice again? When will He speak again? When can I trust again, and what exactly broke that trust to begin with? When I was younger, all I ever wanted was to be a singer. I wanted it SO bad, yet other than a decent vocal ability I didn't have the resources or the drive to accomplish this dream. Then when I asked God what He had called me to be, He gave me another impossible dream, one that I was ok with, but that didn't exactly thrill me like a singing career did. Once again I have the decent work ethic and am in the "right" place, but no drive or resources (to my knowledge) to get there. I have no clue what to do or how to get there and why in the world He'd want my mouth to be in such a public arena is beyond me. I'm not exactly a stellar example of a tight lipped christian. Anyway, I think this is why I'm mad. I'm mad because I can't accomplish yet another pipe dream and last time I waited on fulfillment of a pipe dream, well, it just didn't happen. I'm just waiting for someone else to tell me I was wrong about this latest one too.

These days the only thing I don't question is "Does God love me?". At least if I don't know anything else, I do know that God loves me. I may not understand what has happened this year or why, I may not understand why I heard the things I thought I heard, but I do know to the very best of my ability and capability, that God DOES love me. At least for the moment, this knowledge is enough. This song perfectly captures this.

After Pastor Mike finally gave in (for lack of better phrasing) and allowed God to work that calling out, Mike did see amazing things in his life that God brought about. He is a great Pastor despite all his misgivings and breaks the stereotype of pastors and churches left and right. He inspires and leads with passion and joy... I hope to one day be able to do the same. Well, till next time... :)

Friday, December 11, 2009

Dear Body

Dear Body of Mine,

I know you've had a lot of stress to deal with lately, but since I continue to eat well and treat you well enough - better than many other people treat themselves - please stop breaking out and stopping production on the inside. Just because I am a bit stressed out does not mean that you should be too. Brain, you must pull yourself together so that I can remember things better and stop running all night long with useless chatter. Belly, for the love of God, work the stuff through like you always would and stop swelling and complaining! Skin, winter is here so start producing extra moisture and whatever else you need to stop breaking out. If you stop breaking out, I can then stop picking at you. Low back and Sciatica, I apologize for not taking better care of you, please bear with me, I hope to be gaining more rest soon and therefore more energy for exercise... and if I don't get that rest and energy, I promise to force myself to exercise even when I don't feel like it so as to prevent further problems. Lastly, Spirit of God inside of me, if you could speak up just a bit, that would be great. Thank you all for your cooperation and help in this matter.



Thursday, December 10, 2009

"Reflect Onward"
By: Adrielle R. Bollin

Looking back
On all we've been through
I can see
How you were hurting too
Wasn't what you thought it'd be
Still you find
That life is worth living

All the days that were before
All the days yet still to come
They are the lessons that we learn
They are the times we overcome
We're always learning from each mistake
And find rejoicing in the pain
We are survivors in the this world
Trying to stake our claim

As I look
At the path we've walked so far
It's easy now
To see the twists and turns and falls
You held my hand
No you never did let go
You're still here
We are closer than you know

On we go, we'll blaze the trails unknown
Following our leader till we're home

Sunday, December 6, 2009

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